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Heist (November 11, 2001)
DO NOT SEE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF GOD DAMN FUCKING CUNTMOTHERFUCKING SHIT (suitable for Mamet, even).
Yes, I know you're wondering, "But, Matt. How could you have seen a mainstream flick, especially one produced by Franchise Pictures, producers of such swill as 'Battlefield Earth,' the new 'Get Carter,' "'Driven,' and so forth?" My answer is simple: a small angry fowl-mouthman named David.What went on in this thing? I don't understand. This movie was so mindbogglingly bad that it made me say, "David! I never!!" As there was no plot, no story, no tension, no thrills, no spills, no comedy, no
NOTHING, I just kinda tuned out. The editing was atrocious and the acting even worse. All the lines of dialogue were so horrendous and unnatural that it makes on believe Mamet had been saving all these lines no actor in his right mind would ever say from his last movies/plays and just shoved them in here regardless of if they fit with the movie/character/situation. I mean, he had poor Ricky Jay saying, "My motherfucker's so cool, sheep count HIM when they sleep." What does that even MEAN?!? What does counting sheep have to do with being "cool"? And you better believe that the only thing funny about that line was Ricky Jay saying "motherfucker" as if he could. Great actor, bad line.
In all honesty, I walked out of this piece of fuck after about an hour simply because I saw it with some buddies at 1AM and realized I did not want to give up sleep for this shite. Neither did my friends... nor did a few other people who left before us. In fact, there was this crazy old prophetic man wearing a "pool staff" hat who earlier in the night warned us, as I'm now warning you, not to see it, as he himself had walked out saying the movie was boring. As he was wearing a "pool staff" hat, as priorly discussed, we believed him not... but boy should we have. In conjunction with this, I was having quite a bout with flatulence during the night, as not only had I injested sour tomatoes (on purpose... mmm... Jewish deli), but had decided to try out this unholy concoction called "milk tapioca tea" at some weird Chinese food place that had, amongst its many pictures of customers, this horrendous evil chick I once sorta knew, and thus should've known not to drink the drink... which had little slimy balls of black evil inside that made me???
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