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CQ (May 23, 2002)
Definitely one of the worst machination of filmed life I've ever seen,
and I've seen every episode of "Too Close for Comfort."
It's mindboggling how putridly bile this attrocious pile of horse plop
truly was up on the big screen. I just... FUCK!! THIS MOVIE WAS
TERRIBLE!! GOD DAMN IT!! When I'm sitting on my death bed, surrounding
by those I love, hunched back in my bed, no longer feeling the
delightful warmth of Life's Merriment, when I'm taking the few last
breaths my lungs will allow me, when I'm seeing my last sights before I
move from this life to the next, I will personally ask the Grim Reaper
to grant me just 48 more minutes, for that's how long I wasted this
sweet time away from my grandchildren on this FUCKING GOD DAMN FUCKING
PIECE OF GOD DAMN FUCKING SHIT!!! (48 minutes was walk-out time for the
Matt... but don't worry, as the whole flick is only a little over 80
minutes, making it the LONGEST short film in existence).
I don't even know where to start, mainly because I can barely remember a
single image or sound. Just one large immalgamation of clips from Roman
Coppola's warped brain. Much like "Crossroads" (at least was on shrooms
for THAT one, making it much like a Russ Meyer or John Waters experience
for us all), one can see deep into the mind of the filmmaker and
realize, JESUS, THIS GUY HAS NO GRASP ON REALITY AT ALL. The whole movie
is just scene after scene of the main character saying nothing, doing
nothing, reacting to nothing, just lollygagging about, as the weirdos
around him freak out, and then every now and then some unmotivated
action takes place, usually resulting in the completely boring and
passive "protagonist" to gain something from other people's failures or
their unwarranted praise.
No development, no meaning for anything, no fucking anything at all, and
CHRIST, morons will sit there saying the Serpent-of-Eternity is just a
long snake, believing in their hearts of hearts: "WOW! THAT'S THE POINT,
MAN! HE MADE A BAD MOVIE TO, LIKE, YOU KNOW, SHOW WHAT BAD MOVIES ARE
TODAY AND HOW ART IS ART, AND... OH, MAN! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THAT NEW
STARBUCKS COFFEE ICE CREAM?!? UTTERLY SINFUL!"
I'm done. See this movie and perish. It ate my brain. I forgot so much
of my vocabulary that I can barely finish this fucking
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