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Full Frontal (August 4, 2002)
Oh, my. Unwatchable. Simply unwatchable. I believe we
have a new winner for the contemporary "worst movie
I've ever seen in my whole life this year" movie,
officially ousting the current placeholder, "Heist"
out of first place.
"Full Frontal" is being tauted as "a movie for people
who like movies and know a lot about movies," when in
reality (REALITY... not Soderbergh's head or whatever
movie lot he may be on for his seventeenth film this
year) it should be declared a "movie for people who
like movies and have either been in a Soderbergh movie
before, are dear friends of Soderbergh, or whose
parents were in a Soderbergh movie and now they're
shooting their first 35mm short film outside of their
house at the whopping age of 16."
Now, some of you might decry, "What? But you stated in
your profile that Soderbergh is an inspiration, you've
seen all his movies!" That was true pre-"Ocean's 11."
And, let's be honest, "Erin Brockivich" was good,
"Traffic" was OK, and now, well, I have a wall of
various filmmakers, writers, musicians, et al that he
once donned... you will find him there no more (Jesus,
even Tim Burton and Cameron Crowe still keep their
spot... as precarious as they might be in remaining
there).
In truth, Soderbergh is finished. He needs a rest. He
needs to move on. He needs to take a break, for
chrissakes... go to Europe, get hit by a car, lose all
his money... SOMETHING needs to happen to bring him
back to the carefree days of "Schizopolis" (why are
critics, by the by, comparing "Full Frontal" with his
fine masterpiece of sardonic intimate wit? obviously,
they have read the OTHER critics who have read OTHER
critics' review/synopses of said film and just compare
the two out of boredom... truly, one film was made by
a man in one state of his life, and the other... by
the ghost of Spielberg... you guess which is which).
In reading an interview with Soderbergh, I was
disheartened to discover that he listed Harmony
Korine's "Julien Donkey-Boy" as a main influence for
his latest endeavor... uh, oh. Regardless of your
opinion of "Julien" or Korine at large, what would a
multi-Academy Award nominated,
hottest-thing-on-the-market-today director be doing
trying to follow in the footsteps of a drugged-out
skater kid "artist" who makes experimental films in
his spare time of people burrying their dogs?
And then you sit down and actually WATCH the
abomination and realize, "Oh. When Soderbergh said he
wanted to do something 'Dogma95'-esque... he wasn't
being cute." Whoops. Yeah, no.
In ripping pieces away from every underground American
(and in some cases European) filmmaker of today,
Soderbergh pulls a Blink182, stealing the aesthetics
of an artform not meant to be beautiful (at least not
in the orthodox definition standardized by Pop
culture) and fusing it with the content of any
typical, prosaic, tired film we've seen time and time
again (the best example of this can be seen in the
"secret" to how porn stars get their name: use your
first pet's name with your street name... as if we
didn't know this already).
Ostensibly, Soderbergh has been spending too much time
in the world of Hollywood and not enough time plopped
in front of a Cezzane. He borrows countlessly,
sometimes even paying homage to (himself, amongst
others... oh, look for those cameos from Terrence
Stamp!! Woo hoo!) various artists, not realizing this
doesn't afford him the ability to be considered one in
this instance now. (And may I just say, how dare he
steal the opportunity of student/amateur filmmakers
who have NO CHOICE but to fuck around with digital
film and experiment because they can't just wake up
one morning and declare, "GEE! Just for shits and
giggles, let's make a shitty movie for once! I can go
right back to those $100million flicks next week." Now
every moron in the country will see "Full Frontal" and
say, "Oh. Is THAT an art film? Huh." When we come out
with OURS in six years, it will be old hat. He STOLE
from us, without even being aware of its syntax.
Whatever).
The screenplay was nonscensical, to put it lightly,
incredibly tepid and boring, and just completely lost
me most of the way. The acting was usually attrocious,
though I could never tell when they were TRYING to act
badly or not (NOT in the "cool" or "weird" way...
GOD!!! This movie was BAD... but if you call it BAD,
they'll say, "Yeah! Isn't that cool? We're soooo
underground and arty! Woo! Pass the Beluga caviar!")
The cinematography was interesting, but as stated
prior, what he didn't rip off from "Julien," he
blatantly stole from other Dogme films or your
roomate's short film that ran in one festival and you
and all your friends watch when you're stoned at 2AM.
Basically, a bad, bad, bad film. He fused an arty,
frenetic style with an incredibly haughty and putridly
old content, thus creating a headache that I only sat
all the way through out of frustration. I don't think
I want to make movies anymore. They fucking win.
PS.
Someone, please tell Steven Soderbergh to STOP USING
JULIA ROBERTS. She is so VER UGLY and so VERY
TALENTLESS. I can't watch her up on screen anymore.
GOD. She makes me eat my head.
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